In Search of Hope

out our front door

i have searched.

the kids and i have searched.

my husband and i have searched.

we have sought that which is lost...

for hope.

and we have come home empty handed. 

every time.

from the field looking toward home

i have called her name

loudly, foolishly, brazenly.

i have looked high in trees, low in bushes.
in winter's silence i have listened
for her tiny, tiny mew.

we have traveled north, south, east and west.

at times i was filled
 with hope and expectation.

 i also stewed in frustration.

some days i told the Lord,

my hope is as small as a mustard seed.

does that still count?

i have winced at times

when her name is mentioned

in front of our children,

fearful that wounds trying to heal

and little minds trying to understand

were being wrecklessly torn.


when our young son
with down syndrome,
has, at the most interesting of times,
asked
"wha hopey?"
(almost as if he supernaturally
knew that i needed to be
prodded with the question)
and
when our daughter has asked me
as i'm laying in bed with her at night
where hope might be,
i have been at a loss for words.
i've asked the questions myself
and don't have the answers. 

the walking path behind our home

as i have searched through scripture,

i have found solace, understanding and empathy.

i have felt His Word

to be like a kindred, old and faithful friend:

what strength do i have,

that i should still hope?

what prospects,

 that i should be patient?

job 6:11

where then is my hope?

who can see any hope for me?

job 17:15

sustain me according to your promise,

and i will live;

do not let my hopes be dashed.

psalm 119: 116


why are you downcast,
o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God...
psalm 42:5

o hope of Israel,

its Savior in time of distress,

why are you like a stranger in the land,

like a traveler who only stays a night?

jeremiah 14:8 

the view from our daughter's window

as much as i have fought it at times,

i have also continued to be

filled with, and inspired by

hope,

again and again.

for me,

there was no escaping it:

there is hope for your future

jeremiah 31:17

there may yet be hope

lamentations 3:29

but as for me,

 i watch in hope for the Lord,

i wait for God my Savior;

my God will hear me

micah 7:7

...my soul is downcast within me.

yet this i call to mind

and therefore i have hope :

because of the Lord's great love

we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail

lamentations 30: 20-22

indeed, in our hearts

 we felt the sentence of death.

but this happened

 that we might not rely on ourselves

but on God,

who raises the dead...

on Him we have set our hope

2 corinthians 1: 9-11

brothers, we do not want you to...

grieve like the rest of men,

who have no hope

1 thessalonians 4:13

ruthie, all grown up!

and thus i have had no choice

but to continue to hold onto hope

and to hold onto Him:

therefore, since we have such hope,

we are very bold

2 corinthians 3:12

let us hold unswervingly

 to the hope we profess,

for He who promised is faithful

hebrews 10:23

now faith is being sure of what we hope for

and certain of what we do not see

hebrews 11:1

no matter what the future may bring,

i know this:

i will not come home empty handed.
i will run after,
and chase down hope
'til its mine.

 unexpected, sparkling beauty

 has been found in the search. 
lessons have been learned,
and silver linings seen. 

hope has been poured into my heart.
and i've come to realize this: 

my hands are already full. 

***note to other cat lovers : ruthie, above, is the spunkiest cat ever.  as my husband and i went out in search for hope, literally over the fields and through the woods, ruthie faithfully followed.